Some Folks Would LOVE to have Problems like Fyre Festival

By S. Christopher Emerson

If you’re paying any attention to the #FyreFestival debacle, just know… Those are First World problems of the spoiledest order…

I just got done (yep, that’s what I call it) with an almost 13-minute video on Complex showing a crew of paleface millennials, who could be the cast of “cool, mean kids” in ANY 80s preppy-versus-standout coming-of age comedy, giggling, moaning and convincingly-douchebagging their way through their five figure Fyre Festival vacation disaster.

This Top 40s middle- and upper-income 1K to +10K music festival bigly failed long before it was revealed upon Johnny ‘n the Socs’ arrival to THE FREAKIN’ BAHAMAS that their unfinished, un-opulent accommodations included a Costco tent city, no plumbing, and white bread sandwiches (which is HIGHlariously tongue-and-cheek to me) before being White privileged back to the US on a delayed flight they were offered like, OMG… after dark, and like, OMG I’m gonna call my dad…, having to wait for HOURS for take off and like… finally getting back to Miami (of all one-horse towns) around UGGGGHHH! like, 11am the following day…

Like, almost 24 hours of tropical weather and like, not knowing where they were gonna crash after drinking straight vodka through an overpaid “upscale” music event that showed omens of epic failure long before it was set to begin. Their sarcasm barely survived the ordeal to see the next sunrise and I’m sure they had to recharge their smartphones like, at least like 2 or a couple times. Those poor trust fund babies; UGH! They barely got a chance to tan, right?

I’m just thinking about all the regular people who struggle through similar living, moving, or vacationing experiences without the benefit of 5- and 6-figure credit cards paid begrudgingly by a dad who dangles a Beamer over their grades. Or travelers who don’t have the luxury of vlogging the whole scenario while surrounded by a dozen drunk buddies with whom you graduated the New England Nonswaggington Swank Castle Boarding School for Privileged Youth.

Now, they did not get the service or products they were promised, which is a problem. But thems five figure problems millions of people in the US would LOVE to have. And… festival organizers have promised to either refund money or roll it into another try next year. *slaps face like Macaulay Culkin… twice*

So you’ll pardon me if I don’t feel sorry for Johnny ‘n the Socs. Meanwhile, I’m digging change out of my cupholder to give to homeless folks at half of the big intersections on the (insert area of your urban city to where all the Black people are segregated) side.

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